


Teamswapped

by Xorn



Series: Teamswapped [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: A Metric Shit Ton of Characters, F/F, F/M, I bet the real reason Hussie kills people off is just so he doesn't have to keep track of them all., M/M, seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-27
Updated: 2014-12-27
Packaged: 2018-02-22 22:10:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2523536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xorn/pseuds/Xorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two years after the start of the Alternia-Earth war, Karkat Vantas and Feferi Peixes faked their deaths and fled for human space.<br/>Four years later, they are picked by a ship captained by Roxy Lalonde.<br/>***<br/>Dave is in a bit of a fix. He was killed on a mysterious planet by a winged dog guy. And yet, somehow, he survived, waking up on some sort of red slab with a gear on it. Unfortunately, his friends and ship were nowhere to be seen, and the only people nearby are a bunch of trolls.<br/>***<br/>Eridan Ampora has no idea wwho the fuck this human guy is. His shades make him look like a total douchebag, though.</p><p>(Sequel to "Lost")</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In the Bubbles (Prologue)

Karkat lunged for the human, with his sickle outstretched, but the asshole vanished in the same kind of blur he remembered from his fight with Gamzee half a sweep ago. Karkat whipped around just in time to see the human decapitate Feferi with a spray of Tyrian pink. Karkat cried out and lunged at him again but watched as the human caught his blade with one hand, slowly turning towards him as three gashes slowly opened on his face, oozing indigo blood. The human's white hair slowly turned black and two horns sprouted from his head-

* * *

 

*honk*

*HONK*

-and he was hiding, watching, trying not to breath as Gamzee searched the room.

"where are you motherfucker."

"COME ON BRO!"

"where the motherfuck are you."

*HONK*

*honk*

Karkat hid, desperately trying not to scream as teal and cobalt blood mixed on the floor... the fucking honking. It just wouldn't stop.

"HEY NOW"

"would you motherfucking look at that"

"LOOKS LIKE THE LAWSIS AINT MOTHERFUCKING BIT IT YET"

"guess ill have to be all up and fixing that"

Karkat launched himself out from behind the cold storage unit only in time to see Gamzee turn and smile, winding back his fist-

* * *

-and he was sprawled out on the ground, looking at another troll that looked exactly like him, aside from his weird brown outfit with an obnoxious red symbol on the front. The other Karkat simply rolled his eyes. 

"Just figure it the fuck out already, asshole. You're dreaming."

Karkat just stared at this cape-wearing asshole. 

"And just who the fuck are you supposed to be, you smug looking asshole!?"

The other Karkat just facepalmed.

"Please no. Please don't try to fucking blackflirting with me. I've been in the dream bubbles a while. I have TRIED forming a self-kismessitude. Let me tell you, they NEVER end well."

Karkat simply stared at his doppleganger.

"The fuck!?"

The other Karkat sighed.

"Right. I forgot you were from the new universe. You wouldn't know about the dream bubbles. Well, essentially, they're a bunch of bubbles in space full of dead people. Mostly us and our friends. and our ancestors. And all of their various alternate timeline selves."

Karkat simply stared.

"So... you're dead?"

"No," the other Karkat replied, pointing, "but she is."

Karkat turned around just in time to see the trident hurtling towards him.


	2. Good Cop-Brit Cop

Karkat woke up with an absolutely PAN-SPLITTING headache. He touched the brand new third nub that had sprouted on the back of his head courtesy of Shades McDouchebag's blow, and grimaced as his vision swam. He scanned the cell, attempting to rise from the bed. Karkat promptly collapsed again, due to a blend of exhaustion, pain, and hunger. The ship he had stolen had run out of food two weeks ago, and FUCK he was hungry.

 _Feferi._ The thought crept its way into his brain like one of those sneaky asshole lobsters that always attacked him while chilling on the beach with Gamzee.

What had happened to her? He remembered seeing the asshole in shades attacking her, but he was fairly sure that was just part of his shitty nightmare. Fuck, his head hurt.

Karkat's ears finally stopped ringing, and he started to hear voices from the other side of the door.

"... stopped screaming, didn't he? That's a good sign in my book, bro."

"But what if that's because he's dying!? We need to make sure we can still interrogate him!"

"Fine, I'll get him out."

Karkat sat up as the door opened and the guy in shades walked in.

"Come on bro, we're gonna have a talk about what you're doing this far ahead of the main fleet."

* * *

 

Karkat followed the human down seemingly endless hallways, filled with all sorts of awkward square corners. Square corners! Everywhere! How did they get around the place without getting lost!? Where's a nice organic curve when you need one!? It was a while before the guy in front of him started talking.

"Name's Dirk Strider. You?"

"Go fuck yourself," Karkat muttered.

"Gofuck. Honestly, you Trolls and your weird-ass names," deadpanned the Human, "Just a few letters off from being a Saiyan, too. Oh well."

"My name's not Gofuck, fuckass. I meant 'go', as in, 'travel over there', 'fuck', as in 'to have intercourse with', and 'yourself', as in-"

"I get it, shouty. You don't have to give me a spelling lesson. Here I am, just trying to be friendly, and you go off on me. Oh well. I'll just turn you over to... English."

There was a subtle darkening of tone on the last word that made Karkat swallow.

* * *

 

"Alright, you blighter, you had best tell me everything you bloody well know, or we'll have ourselves quite the bout of fisticuffs, old chap!"

Karkat what he had been expecting, but "bucktoothed moron who is impossible to fucking understand" had not been it.

After about fifteen minutes of incomprehensible drivel, he was suddenly faced with Dirk again.

"So yeah, you can either tell me everything you know, and I'll be chill about it, or I'll send you back in there," said the human, nodding to the room containing the moron.

Karkat stared at Dirk.

"I'm sorry, am I supposed to be scared of you or him? Because all I've fucking gathered is that you're an inscrutable bastard, and he's a fuckwit whose only talent is to make my auricular sponge-clots bleed."

Dirk stared back in response for a little while before finally muttering, 

"Fuck, I knew we should have just let Egbert and Lalonde handle interrogations."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jake is a terrible bad cop, and Dirk is an even worse good cop.


	3. A Chat Over Grubloaf

Karkat groaned as Dirk led him through the sharp corners of the Human ship. Jegus Fuck, this place was going to give him a headache. Whatever pan-rotted nookwhiffer had designed this place had a serious fetish for corners. Everything was a fucking right angle; the natural, organic curves so omnipresent in Alternian architecture were completely absent. 

Dirk stood outside the door to the room, gesturing for Karkat to enter. Karkat obliged, and cried out in shock as his vision was plunged into darkness and he was completely drenched. 

"WHAT THE BULGEFONDLING FUCK!? What the hell just fell on my head!? ...Oh Gog. Oh JEGUS! It's a bucket. A FUCKING BUCKET ON THE DOORFRAME! WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?"

* * *

 

John grinned at his prank, laughing. You know, until the troll started descending into hysterics.

"Oh god. I'm soaked. WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT BUCKET!? Oh fuck, oh god, oh fuck!"

John facepalmed as the realization hit him.

"Oh god, I'm SO sorry. I forgot. Fuck I'm such an idiot! I forgot that cleaning products were taboo in Troll culture. Oh jegus, I'm sorry."

The troll pulled the pail off his head and stared at John.

"Cleaning products. What the fuck. Does this item of an explicitly sexual nature LOOK like a grubfondling CLEANING PRODUCT to you?"

John sank even further into his seat. Sexual? Jeez, he had just assumed cleaning products were embarrassing to trolls. Not that buckets had some sort of sexual connotation to them!

* * *

 

Some time later, after Karkat had calmed down and had a chance to dry off, he sat in a chair facing the Rose human. She had a strange yellow shade of hair, held up out of her face by some sort of plastic item in her hair rather than being simply cut around the eyes to allow for sight. Weird. She was leaning her elbows on the table, with her head resting on her clasped hands. Her face had the same slightly mischievous look and wiggling eyebrows he'd seen on Kanaya so often. Another flighty broad, no doubt equipped with a large amount of snarky horseshit. Goddammit.

The John human re-entered the room with a shit-eating grin plastered to his bucktoothed face. Fuck, he was already getting black feelings for this kid and he barely knew him. This must be a kismessitude made in the heavens.

Karkat trained his focus on the strange dish of food the human was carrying. It was... grubloaf? The hell? He didn't know humans had grubloaf. Must be some dish that looks like it. But fuck, he was hungry.

John smiled even wider at the reaction that must have been showing on Karkat's face. How had this taintchafing dork's face not split in half yet!?

"Dude, you look like you're about to start drooling all over the floor," John said with a laugh. He then set the steaming dish on the table. There was no doubt now. Karkat could clearly smell the scent of grubloaf coming from the meat. John cut a large piece and placed it on a plate, sliding it to Karkat. He then cut two more pieces, for himself and Rose, and dug in.

Karkat eyed the meat warily. 

"What the flying fuck is this?"

"Grubloaf."

"Humans don't have grubloaf. That's an Alternian thing."

John simply smiled in response. Karkat shrugged and devoured the slice on his plate in a few bites. The texture was a bit off, but aside from that, it tasted exactly like the food his lusus had made for him. He ate all of it, and then came back for seconds and thirds. It's not like he was overreacting; they had run out of food a week ago, and he had been shortchanging himself for a week before that. Karkat was honestly on the verge of starving.

After they all finished eating, John sat up straight again and addressed the troll.

"Now then, since you've eaten, how about you tell us who you are, and what you're doing so far ahead of the fleet. I'll tell you some stuff about us in return; it's not like I can refuse to."

Karkat felt a mildly unsettling feeling. 

"Why, and I'm afraid to ask, do you claim that you can't refuse?"

"Because," said John, the bucktoothed smile returning to his face, "I laced that entire grubloaf with truth serum."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John, you can be one scary motherfucker sometimes.


	4. Of Cherubim and Stoic Pricks

unforgottenUranian [UU] began cheering turntechGodhead [TG]!

UU: hello! UuU

TG: what the fuck

TG: come on

TG: what the actual fuck

TG: i cant get a connection to any of my friends thanks to this shitty troll chat client

TG: but hey that won't stop you from following me like the creepy stalker douchebag you are

TG: jegus man

TG: just quit already

UU: UUUUm...

UU: i think yoU may have me confUsed with someone else...

UU: U_U

TG: what no i fucking dont

TG: see your chat name is

TG: oh goddammit

TG: sorry

TG: had you confused with another uu

TG: that asshole types in all caps and uses a different chat color

TG: so in retrospect i should have noticed

UU: it's qUite alright!

UU: i'm just glad we got it sorted oUt

UU: that aside, i believe i may kniw the person yoU're speaking of.

UU: and i'm terribly sorry for any troUble my brother may have caUsed yoU

TG: what

TG: that asshole has a sibling

TG: oh gog i should be apologizing to you

UU: ^u^

UU: actUally, yoU'd be sUrprised how mUch he's improved

TG: what

TG: he was worse

TG: how can you get worse than that

UU: well, for starters, he's remarkably less omnicidal nowadays

TG: omnicidal

TG: why am i not surprised by the thought of uu attempted to destroy everyone and everything

UU: coUld we stop talking about my brother please?

UU: it's a rather Uncomfortable sUbject for me...........

UU: U_U'

TG: shit sorry got sidetracked there

UU: it's okay! 

UU: i jUst wanted to introdUce myself properly to yoU! yoU'll probably be hearing from me on later occasions.

UU: my name is Callie Ohpeee! i'm a limeblood and i live on Alternia's green moon.

TG: you live on the moon

TG: thats kinda badass

TG: unless thats normal for trolls

TG: i dont know that much about where you guys live

TG: you know because im human

UU: oh no, it's rather UnUsUal for me to live here!

UU: there's no one on this planet at all other than me.

UU: it's rather lonely actUally.

UU: u_u

TG: shit that kinda sucks

TG: why are you there anyway

TG: are you hiding out or something?

UU: well, while it is trUe that the empress woUld try to cUll me if she knew I was here...........

UU: she woUldn't have mUch lUck! becaUse, yoU see, i'm Alternia's first gUardian!

TG: first what now

UU: essentially, i gUide the coUrse of the troll race.

TG: what the fuck

TG: so you're the reason why the troll race is so fucked up

TG: jegus and i thought you seemed pretty okay

TG: but you were a fucking wolf in sheeps clothing

UU: dave...

TG: no

TG: thats not an appropriate enough metaphor

UU: dave!

TG: like goddamn fluthulhu in a baby puppy costume

UU: dave!

TG: like some eldritch horrorterror trying to disguise itself as a squiddle

UU: actUally they do do that.

TG: like spades motherfucking slick trying to pass himself of as

TG: what the fuck

TG: horrorrterros disguise themselves as squiddles

TG: you have got to be shitting me

UU: the entire sqUiddles prodUct line was started by agents of the inner gods actUally.

TG: what the hell

UU: are yoU ready to listen to my excUse yet?

TG: yeah sure looking forward to how you plan on excusing generations of genocidal trolls

UU: i did not do any of that.

UU: none of those generations existed

UU: this Universe came into being only a few hUman years ago.

UU: all memories prior to that point were fabricated based Upon the memories of those in the prior Universes.

TG: its official

TG: you are completely fucking delusional

UU: bUt it's the trUth!

TG: yeah no i dont believe you

UU: wait! if yoU don't believe me, i can get someone else to join the conversation!

unforgivenUmbrage [uu] joined the conversation!

uu: DAVE. ONCE AGAIN. YOUR PERCEPTION OF THINGS IS SPOT ON.

TG: oh goddammit

uu: SHE WAS LYING TO YOU. SHE INFLUENCED ALTERNIA TO MAKE IT JUST AS AWFUL AS IN THE PREVIOUS UNIVERSE

uu: BECAUSE. YOU SEE. SHE COULDN'T BEAR A UNIVERSE.

uu: WHERE HER FAVORITE "CHARACTERS" DIDN'T EXIST.

UU: shUt UP!

uu: WHAT. YOU WERE THE ONE. WHO WANTED ACCESS TO THE DAVE HUMAN.

uu: AND NOW YOU HAVE IT. HAH. HAH.

uu: "I WANT TO BE A TROLL". "I WANT TO HAVE A PART IN THE STORY".

uu: WELL. NOW. YOU HAVE IT. BITCH.

uu: HEH.

unforgottenUranian's [UU's] computer was CHARRED TO A CRISP by GREEN SUN ENERGY!

uu: OH SHIT.

unforgivenUmbrage [uu] was HORRIBLY EVISCERATED by SPACE POWERS!

unforgottenUranian [UU] has REJOINED the conversation!

UU: there.

UU: where were we?

turntechGodhead [TG] has BLOCKED  unforgottenUranian [UU]!

* * *

unforgottenUranian [UU] began CHEERING twinArmageddons [TA]

UU: i talked to dave...........

TA: 2o?? ii2n't he fuckiing hiilariious??

TA: the guy had ED shootiing spades iin only a few seconds of talkiing two hiim

UU: UUUm...........

UU: i may have told him aboUt my part in alternia's history...

TA: oh

TA: diid he fliip hii2 2hiit liike ii diid?

UU: u_u yes.

TA: ehehehehehehehehe

TA: ii warned you not two tell anyone el2e

TA: ii told you dawg

UU: u_u

UU: and my brother showed Up halfway throUgh to make things worse

TA: oh jegu2

TA: ii know that doUchebag make2 thiing2 pretty bad for you

UU: i'll send yoU the chatlog...

UU: here yoU go! ^u^

TA: ....

TA: wow

TA: you fucked up

UU: hey! it wasn't my faUlt!

TA: you liied to hiim

UU: i needed to calm him down!

TA: you wanted two ju2tify your2elf with your 2hiitty fanon

UU: shUt Up!!!!!!!!!!!

unforgottenUranian [UU] has left the conversation!

TA: 2hiit

TA: 2orry, ii went two far

TA: 2hiit

TA: 2hiit

TA: CL, ii'm 2orry

TA: are we stiill cool?

TA: CL?

TA: 2hiit, ii'm 2orry.

* * *

 

Sollux slammed his skull into his desk. He went too far. He always went too far. Always hurting people.

Gog, he was such a colossal fuck-up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic starts almost a year after we last saw Calliope talking to Sollux. In this time, they have kept talking, and they are good friends at this point. Not in a quadrant, mind you, but friends nonetheless.
> 
> Calliope.  
> One part of her personality that I feel is very often ignored is her tendency to view the other characters as, well, characters.  
> As opposed to, you know, people.  
> Don't get me wrong, I love Calliope. She's a fantastic character, and I hope I didn't overdo it here. But the fact is, she's JUST as capable of evil as the rest of the cast. I decided when I started this fic that I would work to make all of the people actual PEOPLE. Calliope has her own flaws, and it's unfair to ignore them.
> 
> While we're on this subject.  
> Caliborn.  
> Caliborn is as an asshole. This is a fact of life. But too many people ignore what he is, aside from being an asshole. Caliborn is a lot of things. He's a lonely, scared kid. He's an idiot and he hates everyone else for being better than him. He's sexually frustrated, emotionally desperate, and tired of being hated. So he returns everyone's hatred with an equal amount of hatred and wonders why they still hate him. He's tragic, in his own, petty, overly dramatic, Caliborn way.
> 
> This Fic takes place post Sburb, in the resulting universe. Of course, it's probably AU, as I doubt Caliborn will be redeemed in the end of Homestuck. Yeah, that probably won't happen.
> 
> Oh well.


	5. Chapter 5

John watched with a smile as Karkat left the room. He had to admit, the troll seemed like someone he could become pretty good friends with. The poor guy must have had a pretty shitty time on Alternia, what with his mutant blood color and all. And yet, he had gone hungry to help a friend higher on the hemospectrum than he was. Hell, John wasn't sure he could have kept from resenting highbloods if he was in Karkat's position. He turned to Rose.

"So? What did you think of him?"

Rose looked up from her notebook with her signature sly smile.

"Severe post-traumatic stress, inferiority complex. Possible messiah complex."

John chuckled.

"I meant how you feel about indicting him to join our crew."

Rose arched an eyebrow.

"I'm not sure how I feel about formally accusing him for the purpose of legal prosecution. As for inducting him into the crew, I find nothing exceptionally out of place with the idea."

John facepalmed.

"I meant to say inviting. Or inducting. The two just sorta got mixed up."

"They say the leading cause of minced words is infatuation with a nearby individual. Is it possible that, in spite of all your protests, you are, in fact, a homosexual? And attracted to our new troll friend , no less?"

John rolled his eyes.

"Yes Rose. That is clearly the answer. I am completely and utterly in love with Karkat Vantas. Yes. That is one hundred percent the reason I minced my words. It was certainly not an honest mistake."

Rose's mouth curled into a smile.

"I'm glad that you've finally decided to be true to yourself instead of antiquated sociological constructs, John."

There was a knock on the door, and a few seconds later, Dirk's voice came past the door.

"I'm not interrupting a moment right now, am I? I'm not about to walk in and break up an almost kiss or something? Because, I mean, I can come back later when you two are done flirting."

John blushed profusely as he turned away from Rose.

"Oh, Dirk. You've got John all flustered now. And just when I was about to get him to confess his homosexuality."

Dirk opened the door, deadpanning his response.

"You aren't trying to set him up with me are you? Because after that mess with English, the last thing I need is to date a guy who looks just like him."

Rose chuckled again, turning to Dirk.

"And yet, the moment you arrive he begins blushing, Clearly he has feelings for you. How could you break his heart so, Dirk?"

"Fuck off Lalonde. You've totally ignored the obvious answer. He's totally crushing on you."

Rose giggled, turning to John, who, at this point was curled up in a corner, about to die of embarrassment. 

"Well John? Is that the truth?"

John opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by a shout from the loudspeakers.

* * *

Speakerlog:

Karkat: FUCK. AM I DOING THIS RIGHT? THIS IS THE SPEAKER, RIGHT?

Dirk: Yeah, bro, you got it. What do you need?

Karkat: WHERE THE NOOKWHIFFING HELL ARE YOU STRIDER. YOU SAID YOU WOULD BE BACK IN A SECOND. YOU LEFT ME WITH TWO CRAZY BROADS, ONE OF WHOM HAS CLEARLY BEEN HITTING YOUR HUMAN SOPOR. THE OTHER ONE IS JUST GLARING AT ME.

Jade: grrrr...

Karkat: SHE JUST GROWLED AT ME. SHE JUST GROWLED LIKE A WEIRD HUMAN BARKBEAST. HELP ME.

Jake: What ho, old chap! You look to be in quite the spot of buldrush!

Karkat: I'M CALLING BULLSHIT. THAT ISN'T A REAL WORD.

Dirk: Jake, what the hell are you doing on this. You're supposed to be showing the fishtroll around.

Jake: I, um, lost her.

Dirk: Lost her.

Jake: She just, sorta, disappeared while we were touring the recreation room.

Dirk: Trolls don't just disappear. They don't have invisibility powers. Trolls can't turn invisible, right nubs?

Karkat: NO, THEY CAN'T.

Dirk: Trolls can't turn invisible Jake. Find her.

Karkat: TRY THE POOL. ASSUMING YOU HAVE ONE.

Roxy: hey threr kar... car...car cab...

Roxy: who ya tlakin to

Karkat: GET THE FUCK OFF ME. AND IT'S KARKAT. NOT CAR CAB, KARKITTY, OR ANY OTHER STUPID NICKNAME.

Roxy: beep beep meow

Karkat: NO. FUCK YOU.

Karkat: STRIDER. STRIDER HELP.

Jade: grrrrr....

Karkat: WOULD YOU CUT THAT SHIT OUT!

* * *

 

Dirk stepped away from the intercom, turning to Rose and John.

"You two are supposed to give him the tour. Jade's still grumpy, and Roxy is totally smashed."

John gave Dirk a quizzical look.

"Why didn't you just call us on the intercom?"

Dirk successfully resisted the urge to facepalm.

"Shut the fuck up, Egbert.


End file.
